It Usually Hits Me on Friday
Remember the song from the ’80s, “Working for the Weekend”?
Yes, I realize I just gave away my age, but we sang it at the top of our lungs every Friday morning on the way to school. It was the excitement of dragging Main Street, blaring your horn, and hanging with your friends.
But now, it’s different. It usually hits me on Friday.
What is it you ask?
I have had hard conversations with myself. Be self-aware. It’s normal. Everyone feels it. I find myself rationalizing it away. Thought I might be a little too weak if you know what I mean.
Especially if you are living on your own for the first time ever. Coming home on Friday after work to nothing. No one to greet you and talk about what the day or week was like.
“We need to sit with it for a minute and let it be real.” My good friend Crystal wrote this in her daily blog, and it hit me like a bullet through the heart.
So, I did. A week later. Friday night. I lost my mind in grief. It was not going to be contained and the loneliness oozed out of the gaping wound to my heart.
Here’s how my conversation went last night:
Me: Today has been hard. Not sure why. Just a sad day. I’m glad to be home and in front of the fire.
Friend: Feeling alone?
Me: Not alone.
Me: Hate it
Me: It usually hits me on Friday (I was on a bullet point roll)
She listened and encouraged me. She just let me go……
Me: It’s ok. Just need to walk through.
Know I will survive it. Hoping I will survive it. It’s still questionable.
It cannot be fixed. You have to face it. Feel it. Walkthrough it.
You simply just want someone to hold you and tell you everything is going to be ok. There is no one to do this. Don’t feel sorry for me. It’s where I am, and you can’t fix it.
I have to walk through it.
Walking through a divorce is one of the hardest things I have ever done. I went from being married for 25 years and having my children still living at home, to living by myself in an apartment. Alone. I had no one.
My best friends didn’t bail me out. They let me wallow, cry, and be depressed. I’m forever grateful for this. (Pick your mouth up off the floor) If they had not let me feel these feelings and walk through the utter painful feeling of loneliness, I’m not sure I would have grown at all. They also knew when it was too much to bear and then they would step up. If not, I would still be a victim with a mentality. They did it for my own good and I will forever be grateful that I was allowed to soak in it. These are courageous friends, willing to do what was right for me even though it was SO hard on them to watch.
Here’s why it was right: If I don’t walk through it, how in the world will I be able to relate to you when you go through it? Walking through it is different for everyone. Please walk through it. Someone needs you to. YOU need to.
I have to face it.
Yes, I have to see it, call it by name, and look it dead in the eye.
I have to say, “you are not going to win this one.”
Loneliness will not win. Once it has been called out, it no longer has a grip on me. Hard to face. But harder, to stuff deep inside. The ramifications are enormous if I stuff. So, I name it OUT LOUD. There’s a comfort in voicing it!
Whatever you do, don’t run from it.
I had to feel it. You have to feel it.
It’s ok to cry. It’s ok to be angry about it. Sad.
Just don’t get caught up in there for too long.
Being vulnerable is raw and scary. The older I get, the less time I have to stuff and not deal. Let it out; it’s ok. Trust me, this is so hard for me. I’m a thinker and processor and I forget to say it.
Give yourself permission. Feel it. Say it.
I’m learning not to put up a front. Right now, there is a hand full of people who I can just be how I am at the moment. They read my 3 am emails. They pray. Why? Because they have walked similar roads. They’ve chosen to be vulnerable with me. Not once have they shamed me because of how I’m feeling. They are trustworthy.
Just for today, I am not going to be tough or strong. I am going to let go.
Know you will survive:
It’s funny when you are tired and worn down how everything looks like you are at the end of the world. How do I know you will survive? The same way I do. Choosing to own it, going to bed, and getting up the next morning. Today already seems brighter and yet the sun is not even ready to come up. You may choose to write about it, pray, or open up to someone. I’m in tears as I sit here writing. I particularly hope I never feel this way again to the depth and degree of it.
Sure, I still face loneliness. Sure, I get sad. (I am feeling the anxiety of it right now. Hopefully, the folks in Starbucks won’t notice the tears streaming down my face).
You will survive. You are not alone. There is someone who has faced it and survived before you. Find them. Please do not keep this in. Talk to them through sobs if you have to.
Just so you know, my boys surprised me last night and stopped by. They ordered pizza, sprawled out, and just loved on me. Maybe they sensed how I was feeling yesterday and decided to come love on their mom. Most likely not, but I will take it. It eased a lot of the pain and hurt I was experiencing.
You want to FACE your loneliness with obedience…We can only do this with the Lord’s help.
It’s Saturday, which means I made it through one more Friday. See, there is hope!!
I know you can too!